Pondering Tomorrow

Tomorrow is October 22, my 55th birthday ~ and it is a record day for a few reasons: first of course, being 'double nickels' which has to mean something incredible within numerology. I don't know what, but I choose to believe that it is a sign of a happy, peaceful year ahead. 

Next, it means I have outlived my mother who died during her 54th year, and considering this, I truly realize how much she missed, and how much I miss her. Not a day goes by nor has gone by since October 7, 1978, that I do not think of her, or catch a quick glimpse of her face in the reflection of my own in a mirror. Funny, how even though my life has been incredibly different from hers...I hold precious the standards and values she taught me simply because they came from her. I think of her when I see a thing of true beauty because she taught me to appreciate  the natural world at a very young age; I think of her when I hear 40's music and remember that she told me she had such a crush on 'old blue eyes, Frank Sinatra.' And then she'd giggle like a school girl. When I see Dustin's eyes, I see hers  - the same bluegray with goodness and mischief twinkling through, although.... when I was in trouble, those eyes could be very piercing and see right through my naughtiness.

I learned to be a lady from my mother who was proper but fun; prim but could let loose and sing or laugh; and loving loving loving. She brought joy to the holidays through the smallest things and always made sure there was abundance despite a budget that was generally very limited. I never felt cheated out of anything even though my friends might have had 'more', because my mother was magical and knew how to make all events special. Maybe she learned it from her mother, Grandma Katie Maddox, because they were so poor during my mother's childhood, but Grandma found ways to provide for her children and teach them gratitude for the smallest blessing.

Right before my 16th birthday, my mother had taken her yearly trip to St. Louis to see her mother and sisters and she brought home a gift I will never forget. My Grandma, who was 80 years old, sent me sixteen sugar cookies in a pringles potato chip can. Even a selfish 16 year old who was focused on social life, boys, and new outfits could pause and be moved by a simple gift of love. I think those cookies are my most memorable birthday gift ever, although I've had many that come close.

My birthday party is Sunday afternoon, and my kids will be here with the wee ones who are such gifts themselves. I'll look at Dustin's eyes and see the sparkle of blue; reflect on the lovely gift that Sara sent me with the same loving consideration she inherited from her grandmother; and take pause. Give thanks. Use the pinecone china that my mother adored and I inherited from her because I too collect pinecones, just like my mama. And I have her chickens and her childhood piggy banks and her wedding rings and ... the most important, a part of her within me, and I can see her in my family.

I would give anything for her to be here on Sunday, my sweet mother who would be 87 years old now, and probably frail. But to see her eyes shine when she watched the babies and listened to Gideon's stories and snuggled a moment with Ephraim and looked at Levi's eyes - just the same blue as hers... my heart will never stop wishing and aching. 

Oh but wait, there is no need for ache because in each of us, in Doug and Jenn and Eric and Sam, and in all of my own family~ she is here. Savoring the time and the jokes and laughter and the love.  Her spirit surrounds us each day and guides us in our choices because as we all know, there is nothing more powerful than a mother's love.

My traditional birthday 'cake' is pumpkin pie, but maybe this year, I'll make sugar cookies for my family. And we will celebrate the women who taught me how to make them and how to love. Happy Birthday to me, and thank you Mama. I miss you.